Me Vs. Him

Confidence?

Hello again,

It is now 4:08 am. I must admit I’ve difficulty sleeping. I want to talk about confidence. And my struggle with it.

Now do not get me wrong. I struggle with allowing my self to shine, not that I struggle with loving my self. Quite frankly… I love my self a lot. It may be concerning. However as I mature, I have come to find shifts in this. I am not as cunning, or sharp as I used to be. Not that, that had anything to do with confidence or anything, but I realize that when you’re a teenager, you just don’t really give a shit about anything if it is not revolving around you.

Growing up, was not easy. I will not get into the details today, but maybe another time. I remember my very first boost of confidence. I was in Kinder-garden. The reason I recall this so well is because I will not forget what my teacher used to call me. It was not nice. Anyways, we were in music class. I recall the class standing on metal bleachers and all of us with books in our hands. Probably music books. The music teacher had us all sing “De Colores” a song about spring and its colors. If I recall. However, it was in that moment I ever experienced my ego being boosted.

Why?

Well… as we sang, I had already loved singing, I was a child with very few interests, but singing I loved. Until this very day. -I sang. I sang high pitch. I guess it was a rich pitch too because in that moment. Mr. Music ( I will not say his real name ) stopped the class and said “Who was that”, no one answered. He recalled where that sound was coming from and he pointed my zone out. Mind you, I was in Kinder-garden. I recall a lot. He had my section all sing one by one and I was the last one.

He found me. I was shy but I was happy to be seen, pointed out, heard. I was told I sounded good. So good that when I was a first grader Mr. Music pulled me out of class to sing with the second graders. Recollecting those memories explain certain aspects to my confidence.

Remember when I talked about that one teacher. Well she made me feel like I was too much. I recalled always feeling some envy from her towards me. Unaware to why. However she called me “metiche brown” which means “nosey brown” like if her Tejana looking ass didn’t scream “NOPAL” - Im referencing a cactus, something fellow Mexicans say to each other when the other pretends not to know spanish and they clearly have the facial structure of our people.

The question here was always, “Why doesn’t she like me? Why does she keep me away from everyone? Why am I sitting in front of her desk?” Again, remember I was in Kinder garden. That is when the battle became Me Vs. Him.

Now, when I refer to me, I am referring to the person who is typing all this. I have so much confidence and not because I am behind a screen, but because I actually do love my self. It has become a part of my journey to identify that and do the work.

Because when I reference “Him”, I mean the one I created to fit in the role he was “forced into” I must have been 5. Ms. Tejana was the reason I learned to make my self small or dim, Mr. Music was the reason I learned I was good at something and watered that.

Now as an adult I do struggle with Him. Why? Because he is too concerned about outshining, standing out, being the odd one in the group. However, Me: Oh boy, if you do not take a liking to who I am, please take a moment to ask your self three things. Do you have my number? Have you met my family? Have Ive spent the night at your house? If any of this are a “No” - then my dear, you do not know me well enough for me to be concerned about it.

Authenticity does not mean, be rude. It means stand true to your moral and beliefs to who you are in this world. I know who I am, and I rather much be me than him. He’s kept me save, not only in school but also at home. He’s done his job. I just hope he lets me give this another shot and show him what he’s truly made out of, because he deserves to shine through just as much as I do.

Of course, there are many more stories with Me Vs. Him. I just felt we'd start with Childhood, because almost everything is rooted from then.

One thing I have to say: I have a fixation on Psychology and childhood development and how that plays a role in our adulting lives. It is now 4:52 am. I must sign off.

Gossip Soon.

- Coal C.